


A Dress, A Body

by raychleadele



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Trans Character, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 10:44:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17181470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raychleadele/pseuds/raychleadele
Summary: A story about Lup.





	A Dress, A Body

**Author's Note:**

> Listen. This story deals a lot with Lup's identity as a trans woman. I've tried very hard to be respectful of that narrative. I know the story of being trans is not one I identify with - but I also feel strongly about having diverse characters, and I am very grateful to the McElroys for giving us Lup. I am very grateful to have a character like her. I have done my very best to tell her story well. I hope I have done alright.
> 
> Enjoy.
> 
> PS - Special thanks to my beta readers, sharknose (who helped me feel confident in sharing this story) and [tanacetum](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tanacetum/pseuds/Tanacetum) (who helped me find things that needed fixing). I appreciate both of you. <3

Their aunt had scolded Taako for wearing a skirt once. “Someone will think you are a girl!” she had said. But Lup knew better. Just because her body matched her brother’s didn’t mean she was a boy any more than him wearing a skirt meant he was a girl.

Taako seemed to understand early. She never really had to explain it to him. As soon as he realized telling people she was his brother made her uncomfortable, he stopped. No questions asked, just simple acceptance. They were still very young then. He had always understood her completely, from the very beginning.

It was useful to look like her brother when they were on the road together. More than once she took the brunt of the caravan leader’s anger when Taako accidentally burned the food. He was still getting the hang of cooking out of a wagon instead of in a kitchen, but that was no reason for him to get hit. So she let the driver think she was him a few times. Taako was embarrassed when he figured out what she’d been doing. She’d gotten away with it more than once before he spotted the bruises she normally kept covered. 

“That’s not fair,” he protested. “You shouldn’t have to get hurt because of me.”

“I’m just looking out for my little brother,” she assured him, “just like I know you’re looking out for me.”

“I’m not your little brother,” he said, scowling. “We’re twins.”

But things changed a little when they found a friendlier caravan to travel with. The leader wasn’t so mean and demanding, and they both loosened up a little. Lup altogether stopped giving her full name, the one she’d never liked anyway. She was just Lup now. That was all she had been to Taako for a long time, but it felt a bit more real when no one knew that she had been anything else. She cut her hair, too, and there was no longer any mistaking her for her brother. She no longer felt the need to protect him that way. Even if they did find themselves in a sticky situation, they were both getting better at their magic. They could protect each other in new ways now.

She tried buying a sundress once. She thought maybe if she was going to tell everyone she was a girl she ought to look like one. It was light blue with some sunflowers on it. Cotton. She thought it looked nice. But she only wore it once. Maybe it was just because she’d never dressed like this before, but it felt a bit...wrong. She wondered if she was wrong about herself. But then one day Taako came out wearing that dress.

“That’s...that’s my dress, Ko.”

“So what?” he answered, swishing the cotton skirt around his knees. “We steal each other’s clothes all the time, goofus. Besides, you’ve worn it once. It’s a waste of a cute dress.”

And she remembered.

A dress does not make a girl, and a body does not make a boy.

(Several years later she did find a dress she felt good in. It was a long, sleek, black evening dress that sparkled like the stars. It had a sheer cape that draped lightly from the shoulders and a slit along her hip that got higher than she did on 420. It looked like something a villainess in a child’s fairy tale would wear, and, yeah, that was an aesthetic she could feel confident rocking. Taako had pretty well permanently adopted the sundress by that point, and that was fine. That dress was flirty and that worked for Taako, but this dress was _intimidating._ Many years in the future she would wear this dress to rob a casino - but until then her preferred clothes were practical and comfortable - and at some point, a certain pair of boyfriend jeans became her absolute favorite.)

Taako caught her looking despondent in front of a mirror one day. She seemed startled when she saw him behind her and tried to cover her unclothed body, which was odd. They’d never been uncomfortable around each other before. Her ears turned red with embarrassment.

“I just...I was wondering what it would be like...you know, if my body was...different,” she offered as a stammered explanation when he asked. 

“Well, I mean, if that’s what you want,” Taako told her with a shrug, “I mean, I’ve never transmuted a _person_ before, but we could give it a shot.”

“But Ko…” she hesitated, sighing heavily. “We wouldn’t match anymore.”

Taako wrinkled his nose at her. “Is that what you’re worried about? You really think I would care about that?” Then he laughed lightly and took her hands in his. “Besides, our faces will always match, you know that, right?”

They took it slowly at first, just little changes here and there. Taako was gentle with his magic and followed her lead, carefully making small adjustments and asking for her feedback at every step. It took several months, but gradually the appearance of Lup’s body began to match how she felt. She cried with relief one day after they had finished the process, and Taako just held her as he told her how proud he was that she’d found the courage to be her true self. He always had understood her best.

Several years later they landed a job. A really _good_ job. One that would take them outside their home plane, but which offered the stability their lives had lacked, as well as the opportunity to challenge their skills in exciting ways. Neither of them could pass up the opportunity, and neither of them would go without each other. 

Lup’s history had to be disclosed then. Just for legal reasons they were told, but it would be kept confidential. Their new captain didn’t offer any sort of reaction when she told him, and she was grateful. She was her true self at last, and she didn’t want that to be called into question by her new crewmates. He assured her it wouldn’t be, that they didn’t need to know unless she wanted them to. It was a relief. 

But the nerd was cute. Oh my _gods_ he was cute. He was cute and he was enthusiastic about his research and he cared deeply about the rest of his crew. He blushed easily and he had terrible taste in fashion. He was irresistible.

Somehow, she managed to resist for a long time anyway.

Until she couldn’t. He asked her to play a duet with him at the conservatory. She’d tried dabbling with a trumpet at first, but quickly realized her true talent lied with the violin. He had taken up piano, and he was good at it. (There was very little he _wasn’t_ good at, and his innumerable talents were yet another thing she found so charming about this dork.) They’d been practicing together for several months when she couldn’t keep things to herself anymore.

“Barry, there’s something you should know about me,” she said late one night as she packed up her instrument. She was nervous, and her voice wavered as she spoke. She didn’t know how he would react. Maybe he wouldn’t want to play with her anymore. Maybe he wouldn’t want to even _talk_ to her anymore. She was terrified, but she didn’t want to hide from him.

“What’s up, Lup?” he asked innocently. His bright eyes met hers with an eagerness that made her throat tighten. She’d watched him die several times already. She’d seen the light go out of those eyes, and she probably would see it again. Even if they weren’t trapped in such unusual circumstances, she probably would have outlived him by now. She was lucky to have even gotten to know him this long, long enough to feel like she might be able to trust him with this. In a normal life she wouldn’t have gotten this chance, and even as risky as it felt, she couldn’t give up the opportunity.

“Barry, when I was a kid...” she started slowly, still unsure of herself. “I don’t know how to say this. ...When I was a kid, people didn’t call me Lup. I had a different name. I had...I had a different body. People thought I was...well, I was different than what I am now.”

He frowned. “What do you mean?” She sighed and looked up at the ceiling of their rehearsal room, searching for words.

“You know how Taako and I are twins?” 

“Obviously,” he answered, his brows furrowing behind his glasses. Dammit, he was too cute, and he still wasn’t _getting_ it.

“Barry, we’re identical,” she said. He cocked his head. “You know what it means to be identical twins, right?”

He nodded slowly, clearly thinking carefully about her words before he spoke. “But Lup...identical twins...they’re always the same sex.”

She gave an uncommittal nod. “Yeah...well. People said we were. Our bodies...our bodies were the same. We used to match. More than we do now, anyway.”

A look of dawning slowly crossed his face. “Oh... _oh._ So...wait.” He finally turned fully around on the piano bench so he was facing her. He leaned his elbows on his knees and chewed on his thumb as he contemplated the implications of what she’d told him. “Okay. Okay, I’m...wait, Taako’s magical focus is transmutation. Is that…?” Suddenly he sat up and turned away again. “I’m sorry, it’s not my place to ask that.”

“No, you’re right,” she said quickly. “Taako did help, you’re right about that.” He didn’t answer, and she felt so anxious she thought she might vomit. “Barry, I’m sorry if this-”

“What? No!” he cried, turning back towards her. His eyes widened as he recognized the fear on her face. He nearly toppled the bench as he abruptly stood and quickly came over to her, taking her hands in his. “Did you...did you think I would have a problem with that?”

Lup felt her breath catch in her throat and her eyes stung. “Look, if you don’t want to do this…” she stammered, “if you want to call off the performance or something that’s fine, I can-”

“No!” he protested earnestly. “No, Lup! I don’t care, I don’t - wait. That’s not the right - I’m sorry, I do care, I care about you - I care so _much_ \- I - “ He stopped his stammering words, pinching the bridge of his nose as he took a deep breath to recenter himself. “I’m sorry. I care about you, Lup. Of course I do. Nothing could change that. But I don’t - I don’t care about what you used to - I mean, what people used to think you were. That’s not who you are, clearly. And who you are is what matters to me, not what… not what other people used to say you were.”

Lup could feel her hands shaking in his strong, soft ones. “Really?” she whispered, barely audible.

“Of course,” he assured her. 

Taako grinned slyly at her from his bed that night.

“So have you kissed him yet?” he asked.

“What?” she sputtered, her eyes wide. “Taako, I don’t even know if he likes me like that.”

“Are you dumb?” he grumbled, rolling his eyes as he picked up his stone of farspeech.

“Taako, what are you-”

_“Ya got Barry.”_

“Barold!” Taako cried, grinning widely. “It’s cha’boy!”

Lup felt her ears drop abrutply. “Taako, what are you doing?!”

_“Oh, hey Taa-”_

“Listen, when I said you guys had time, I didn’t think it was gonna take _forty-seven years.”_

“Taako, give me the stone!” Lup screeched, climbing over her brother in a desperate attempt to grab it from him. He deftly rolled away, keeping the stone out of her reach and his grin firmly plastered to his face.

_“What do you mean?”_

“I can’t believe I’m saying this,” Taako said, twisting his braid in his hands as he smiled broadly into the stone, “but you need to kiss my sister.”

“Taako, stop!”

_“Wha-”_

“No pressure, but yaknow...asap. Bye!” Taako turned the stone off, cutting off Barry’s voice, and turned his grin back to Lup.

“Why did you _do_ that?” she gasped, her eyes wide in panic.

“Because he _likes_ you, you dingus.”

“How do you know?”

“Because he told me. Like, twenty-seven cycles ago.”

Lup quickly counted cycles in her head. “Twenty...the beach?”

“Yeah,” Taako confirmed. “The beach.”

“Oh my god.”

_“Yeah.”_

When the day of Lup and Barry’s performance came, it was perfect. Not a single note was out of place, but they hardly knew it. Lup was only vaguely aware of Taako screaming _“That’s my sister!”_ from his seat in the front row after their song was finished. Barry took her hand in his and they bowed to the applauding crowd, and his bright eyes met hers as they stood. They slipped off stage before they even knew if the Light had accepted their performance. He kissed her for the first time that night, and then so much more. She was happy to share with him the body Taako had helped her create, and his fumbling hands were clearly happy to explore it.

(Their lich forms went together as well as their mortal ones. Many years later he helped her claim a new body again, this time with necromancy instead of transmutation like her brother had used. His hands trembled as they explored that body, too.)

She stopped keeping track of how many times she died once she and Barry became liches. Death no longer meant being separated from Barry, or more importantly, from her brother. It did mean losing her body for a time, that body she’d worked so hard for, but it always came back.

Until this time. If this cycle was indeed their last, then her body was gone for good now. In different circumstances that might have concerned her more, except this time death meant she really was separated from her family. Even when Taako found her he didn’t recognize her, and she couldn’t get to him. It took her far too long to realize what had happened to him - maybe she was in denial, but she told herself that maybe he just hadn’t figured out where she was yet. It wasn’t until she burned her name into the wall of his dorm and he didn’t recognize the word, that name that she had chosen for herself, that name that he’d always treasured calling her - that was when she realized he didn’t know her. The revelation nearly tore her apart.

Everything happened so quickly after Taako remembered. That day, the day people called the Day of Story and Song, she hardly had a chance to appreciate her freedom, but she got the opportunity in the days that followed. She had her brother back. She had Barry. She twisted her lich form around them with bittersweet joy and relief, wishing she could embrace them properly, but glad she could be with them regardless of her form. The loss of her body seemed trivial in comparison to everything else she’d finally gotten back, but she still missed it. Barry assured her they could rebuild one for her, and she was content to wait a little longer.

She was afraid at first that Taako’s new boyfriend might give them trouble. She knew the laws, and she knew his job. She knew her brother loved him, but she would rather fight a reaper than give up her family again. But contrary to her expectations, he turned out to be very helpful, and both she and Barry were given pardons rather than punishments. It was in that moment that she finally decided that her brother had found a keeper.

She was wearing a pair of Barry’s jeans when she came to show off her new body to Taako. She’d been incorporeal for over a decade, and had rather forgotten to get some clothes of her own. He tried to make fun of her for her look but he broke down instead, clinging to her desperately as he sobbed.

“I’m sorry, Lup,” he gasped into the t-shirt she was wearing that smelled too much like Barry and not enough like her. “I’m sorry I forgot about you.”

“Taako, it’s not your fault - ”

“I should have been stronger, I should have remembered you, I should have - “

They hadn’t touched each other in twelve years. She held him tight as he cried, her own tears joining his as they held each other and trembed. 

When they finally pulled apart Taako wiped the last of the moisture from his eyes and grinned at her. “Seriously, though. We gotta get you some new clothes, like, right now. Immediately.”

“YES! Shopping spree with my little brother! WOO!”

“I’m not your little brother,” Taako insisted, giving her a playful shove. “We’re twins.”

Lup spent the afternoon practically rubbing herself against every article of clothing in Fantasy Costco. “Taako, _feel this,”_ she insisted constantly. “This one’s so _soft!_ And this one’s _fuzzy!_ This one’s kinda scratchy, and that’s weird, don’t think I like it, but _feel it!_ Oh my _gods,_ Taako, I haven’t felt anything in _twelve years.”_

“This crop top’s got a skull on it,” Taako said, holding up the black t-shirt he’d spotted.

“Holy _shit,_ YES!” Lup yelled as she snagged it from him. _“And_ it’s soft. Bro, I think you’ve found the best shirt in this planar system.” She buried her face in it for a moment, drawing some strange looks from the other customers. She ignored them while Taako flipped them off.

“I have absolutely no fucking idea what size I wear here,” she said, gathering up an armload of clothes, pausing every once in a while to let her fingers linger on a particularly pleasing fabric. “Come help me try some of this stuff on.”

Taako helped Lup change clothes a few hundred times over the next couple hours, and the pile of “yes” clothes grew quickly. 

“You’re sure you can afford all of this stuff?” she asked at one point. She was snuggled against her brother’s chest, admiring herself in the mirror as he leaned back against her. “You know I haven’t got a single gods-damned cent. Being an incorporeal prisoner of a vore umbrella doesn’t pay well, you know.”

“I can afford it,” Taako assured her, resting his chin on her shoulder. It was sharp and maybe a little uncomfortable, but Lup wasn’t about to complain about the sensation of her brother’s body against hers. “I’ve already got a book deal lined up, and the Director paid us well enough.”

Lup wrinkled her nose. “Still calling Luce that, huh?”

Taako shrugged, burying his nose into her hair. His breath was hot in her ear. “It just...it doesn’t feel right anymore, yaknow? Like that’s not who she is now.”

Lup nodded. “We all changed,” she said quietly, threading her fingers through his. She could feel the heavy thud of his heart against her spine as he pressed even closer. He squeezed her hand tight and took a heavy, shaking breath. Lup frowned.

“You’re crying again.”

“Am not.”

“Well, you will be soon. What’s going on?”

Taako peeked up from where his face had been hiding in her neck, his eyes meeting hers in the mirror. “What? Nothing. What do you mean?” His eyes looked redder than usual.

“Cut the crap,” Lup insisted. “You think I don’t know my brother well enough to see when you’re feeling like shit? Now spill the beans.”

Taako stuck his tongue out at her reflection. She responded with the same, but didn’t drop her serious gaze. Taako sighed. “Fine,” he muttered.

As Lup kept her eyes carefully on Taako, his reflection in front of her changed. She felt the air go out from her lungs - perhaps from surprise, perhaps because his arms around her cinched a little tighter, maybe both. She grasped his wrists and pulled his arms away, just a little, abruptly turning to face him instead of the mirror. Taako squirmed under her scrutiny, his eyes deliberately avoiding hers. She brought her hands up to his face, gently cupping his hot cheeks in her palms, her fingertips running along the raised edges of new scars - well, no, not new, but old marks, once magically healed now visible again, a century of fighting and dying suddenly evident where it hadn’t been before. 

“When we were in Wonderland-” Taako started feebly, but Lup cut him off.

“No, yeah, I know. I know what they did to you. I heard the whole thing, remember?” She sighed, knocking her forehead against his with just a touch more force than she should’ve. “I killed the bastard that did this to you. Ate him right up and spat him out. Only wish I could’ve gotten my hands on his sister, too.”

Taako trembled slightly against her, and she sensed he was still trying to synthesize what he knew to be true with memories that conflicted.

“I’m so sorry, Lup,” he whispered, his voice rough.

“What for?”

“I told you our faces would always match,” he answered, his voice trembling as he spoke. “I would have never agreed to this if I had remembered my promise. Never.”

Lup pulled back gently, forcing him to meet her eyes. “It doesn’t matter,” she assured him. “We’re still twins. Our hearts still match. That’s what matters.”

“You’re sure?” he asked. “You’re not just saying that to make me feel better?”

“Not at all,” she assured him. “I don’t care one bit.” She kissed his forehead gently, savoring the feeling of his skin against her lips.

“You know what I want? What I _really_ want right now?” she finally said after a moment of silence.

“What’s that?”

“A party,” she answered. “We’ll have everyone over. _Everyone._ And I’m gonna hug everyone. It’ll be a snuggle party, with a cuddle puddle right in the middle of the floor. We’ll get all the softest pillows and fuzziest blankets, because, holy _shit,_ Ko? Textures? Are amazing. And since we’re here, I think we should pick out a new dress for you, too.”

Taako chuckled, nuzzling in closer to his sister. His hair smelled so good. “Nah,” he said quietly, and she could hear the smile in his voice. “I think I already know the one I want to wear.”

Lup had to admit, Taako looked stunning in the sunflower dress she had bought so many years ago. She stretched herself across every surface in his home much like his cats, absorbing every texture she hadn’t felt in over a decade. The guests hadn’t arrived yet, but they would soon.

“Can I do your hair?” she asked, rolling herself in his blankets like an elf-burrito.

“Um, _duh,”_ he answered, sitting down on the floor in front of her. She threaded her fingers through his silky hair, bending forward to sniff his floral shampoo before setting to work.

“Okay, so. Koko.”

“Mmm. Yeah?”

“Obviously we’re gonna have a good old fashioned traditional Starblaster cuddle puddle tonight.”

“Right.”

“But before that,” she said, rolling his hair between her fingers, “I want to bake.”

His ears flicked towards her. “Bake what?”

“I dunno,” she murmured. “Bread, maybe? Wanna get my hands all up in that dough, yaknow? I haven’t felt bread in years.” She tied off the braid and pressed her nose into his hair again, breathing deeply. “But I want to do it with you. I want to bake with my brother again.”

He leaned back against her touch a little bit more, his shoulders relaxing some. She could feel his breath matching hers.

His heartbeat matched hers.

“Yeah. That would be good.”

“Real good.”

**Author's Note:**

> Great thanks to all my reader friends who waited for this story! I expected to be able to share it much sooner, but ended up doing some last minute revisions, which ended up taking longer than expected because life got busy. I love all of you! <3


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